It is a hot, dusty world.
A dusty- hot world that is getting more dusty and more hotter every year. (Except for the last decade, which was a little cooler.)
The desert tortoise use to stroll across the American deserts with pride. Today, you would have more luck getting a date with Angelina Jolie then hitting a desert tortoise with your car.
Why..??
In 1999, when DEMOCRATIC President Bill Clinton was in office, the desert tortoise population was sky high in the Red Cliff Desert Preserve with 3,200.
But in the year 2000, when REPUBLICAN President Bush took office, the number of tortoises began to drop. Today, there are only 1,700 to be found.
Why would the turtles start kicking the bucket the minute a republican enters the White House..??
There can only be two reasons:
Humans are evil.
And...
Turtles are mostly democratic, and almost never vote republican.
What can save these poor desert creatures..??
Food..??
Education..?? (Education for the stupid humans, not the turtles.)
Answer- High taxation.
Democrats agree- Higher taxes will save the desert tortoise.
High taxes will save the earth..!!
Evil conservatives are NOT willing to pay higher taxes to save the desert tortoise, or the earth.
So, evil conservatives will not be helping us save the earth (or the turtles.)
People all over the world, to celebrate Earth Day, will be turning their lights out and sitting in the dark for one hour.
Now, there is no reason why you have to just sit in the dark for one hour and do nothing. Here at The Angry Republic, we have compiled a list of things that you can do with no electricity.
First- you are going to need candles. Do not use regular candles because of the pollution that is caused in the making of regular candles.
Get in your car and drive about 100 miles to "Bubba’s Recycled Candles." Bubba’s candles are made of 100% recycled wax. Bubba uses old toilet gasket wax to make his candles. (It has a very pungent aroma- Bubba’s toilet wax candles are: "earthy.")
Now that you have your "earthy" candles burning on "earth day", you are going to need some type of activity to occupy one hour of time.
SEX- is out of the question...
SEX- can create babies...
Babies smell bad, they are expensive, and babies grow up and KILL the earth.
PLUS, sex only lasts 2 minutes. (If you "do it right"), and you have an entire hour to fill.
Might we suggest a game of Yahtzee or Go Fish..??
This is a GREAT form of family entertainment, however, if you are spending "earth day" alone, it might be hard to play with yourself.
Might we suggest- meditation.
Meditation is a GREAT way to get in touch with your "inter-self."
You can meditate on why you are such a selfish bastard for destroying the earth. "What has the earth ever done to you..??"
The earth just sits there, spinning- like a mentally confused dog.
And you have the gull to spit, puke, and pour carbon gas on mother earth..??
OK- maybe you are NOT ready for meditation.
How about a good old fashion BBQ..??
Now, I know what you are thinking...
How can using a propane grill be environmentally good..??
Well, you are NOT going to be using a "propane grill."
Jump into you car and drive 100 miles to "Bubba’s Recycled Candles." Bubba sells 100% methane BBQ grills.
These grills are 100% environmentally safe because they burn methane gas. (Cow flatulence.)
You are NOT going to want to cook up some kind of animal meat on your new grill, because that isn’t any good for the earth.
Might we suggest some form of tofu or soybean steaks..??
"Fake- Steaks" are GREAT for the earth and you will feel good while you are cooking "fake steaks" over your methane (cow flatulence) grill.
Or maybe you would prefer to do nothing.
Maybe you could rap yourself in a "Snuggie" blanket and stare blindly out the window?
Whatever it is that choose to do with your "one hour- without power," remember to think about the earth.
The Earth- that cute little blue ball filled with metal- melting magma.
Hot magma- hot enough to burn the hair off of your backside.
So, start saving the earth..!!
Turn out those lights at 8:30pm.
Fire up your methane grill and your toilet wax candles.
Put on your "Snuggie" blanket and meditate on how much of an ass you have been.
The Earth thanks you..!!
First- you are going to need candles. Do not use regular candles because of the pollution that is caused in the making of regular candles.
Get in your car and drive about 100 miles to "Bubba’s Recycled Candles." Bubba’s candles are made of 100% recycled wax. Bubba uses old toilet gasket wax to make his candles. (It has a very pungent aroma- Bubba’s toilet wax candles are: "earthy.")
Now that you have your "earthy" candles burning on "earth day", you are going to need some type of activity to occupy one hour of time.
SEX- is out of the question...
SEX- can create babies...
Babies smell bad, they are expensive, and babies grow up and KILL the earth.
PLUS, sex only lasts 2 minutes. (If you "do it right"), and you have an entire hour to fill.
Might we suggest a game of Yahtzee or Go Fish..??
This is a GREAT form of family entertainment, however, if you are spending "earth day" alone, it might be hard to play with yourself.
Might we suggest- meditation.
Meditation is a GREAT way to get in touch with your "inter-self."
You can meditate on why you are such a selfish bastard for destroying the earth. "What has the earth ever done to you..??"
The earth just sits there, spinning- like a mentally confused dog.
And you have the gull to spit, puke, and pour carbon gas on mother earth..??
OK- maybe you are NOT ready for meditation.
How about a good old fashion BBQ..??
Now, I know what you are thinking...
How can using a propane grill be environmentally good..??
Well, you are NOT going to be using a "propane grill."
Jump into you car and drive 100 miles to "Bubba’s Recycled Candles." Bubba sells 100% methane BBQ grills.
These grills are 100% environmentally safe because they burn methane gas. (Cow flatulence.)
You are NOT going to want to cook up some kind of animal meat on your new grill, because that isn’t any good for the earth.
Might we suggest some form of tofu or soybean steaks..??
"Fake- Steaks" are GREAT for the earth and you will feel good while you are cooking "fake steaks" over your methane (cow flatulence) grill.
Or maybe you would prefer to do nothing.
Maybe you could rap yourself in a "Snuggie" blanket and stare blindly out the window?
Whatever it is that choose to do with your "one hour- without power," remember to think about the earth.
The Earth- that cute little blue ball filled with metal- melting magma.
Hot magma- hot enough to burn the hair off of your backside.
So, start saving the earth..!!
Turn out those lights at 8:30pm.
Fire up your methane grill and your toilet wax candles.
Put on your "Snuggie" blanket and meditate on how much of an ass you have been.
The Earth thanks you..!!
The Angry Republican
Video Broadcast
Global Warming MUST be true. (Unless it isn’t)
Sections of this editorial were published before, on: April 2009 and May 2008.
