Try as you might, you cannot escape the fact that another presidential election is coming.
You could attempt to do what I tried to do: take 6 months and tune out of politics by spending your time weaving baskets and raising lamas. BUT YOU CANNOT HIDE- forever. Sooner or later a person will drag you back into politics. It could be a Postman, or a Milkman, or the Cheeseman, dropping off a big slab of free government cheese; someone will pop by your house and ask: “Hey, who do you think will win the 2012 election?” With that one question, you will be sucked right back into politics like a moth to a flame. A moth, by the way, who flies too close to the flame, singes his wings, and lands helplessly on the floor, only to become an improvised “cat toy” for some pussy. (Ok, maybe that was a little too dramatic. But you get the picture.)
Every Democrat MUST ask themselves if they feel that President Obama has made things better? Yes, the popular thing to do is blame Bush for everything. However, even the dumbest of the dumb will have to admit: If President Obama cannot stabilize this country in 4 years, what good would it do to give him 4 MORE years? If you are a democrat, and you have decided that President Obama isn’t fixing things, be prepared! You will be called a racist. (Unless you are a Black person; in which case, you will be called an Uncle Tom.)
Republicans do not have it easy, either. We must try and pick which person, out of the current collection of idiots, will cause the least amount of damage to the country.
I have come to the conclusion that the best person conservatives could run in the 2012 election is…
The Generic Republican.
Now, I know you are probably thinking that maybe I have taken too many painkillers, but hear me out. To date, the Generic Republican has said nothing, or done anything; to piss people off. The Tea Party seems to like the Generic Republican. Moderates MUST be voting for the Generic Republican, and even the Left has not attacked the Generic Republican like they went after Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney. The Generic Republican BEATS President Obama in every poll taken, (even liberal polls,) so this is clearly the best route.
With President Obama being such a GREAT campaigner, the Generic Republican will not be able to stand there, quietly; forever. (Though, that might be the BEST way to go.) Eventually, this dark silhouette will have to say something. I have thought long and hard about this, and I think I have found an answer. Instead of paying 100 million bucks for attack ads, why don’t we give that 100 million to Morgan Freeman to be the voice of the Generic Republican?
Maybe we could get Sam Elliott to voice the GR.
Or how about the guy who was the voice of Dark Vader in Star Wars: James Earl Jones? Could you picture James Earl Jones saying: “Obama- Obama, who’s your daddy?” (Ok, maybe we shouldn’t have him say that, but it would be cool.)
Let’s examine where we are right now…
Our shadow figure, (with no distinguishing features,) who has the voice of Morgan Freeman, Sam Elliott, or James Earl Jones, who already BEATS President Obama in every poll taken (and he hasn’t said anything yet to piss people off); without a doubt, our Generic Republican has the BEST shot of winning the 2012 election.
Yes, there are some legal questions that must be answered. First, and foremost: Can a generic human, (with no face) EVEN run for president? This is a great question and it is true, in history; we have never had a “faceless” president. But that doesn’t mean that it is impossible. Consider this: in several State elections, a very popular person has died before the election. Even though this person is dead, people wrote in the dead person’s name on the ballot (or, in some cases the dead person’s name was already on the ballot.) And a DEAD person has won the election. So if a DEAD person can win an election, why can’t a faceless shadow person also win?
There is one constitutional rule that could stand in our way: a presidential candidate MUST be 35 years old, and must show his Birth Certificate. (Oh..Wait.. What the hell am I talking about? I guess you DO NOT have to show your Birth Certificate UNLESS Donald Trump asks to see it.) And, since The Donald is on our side, we should have no problems here. However, with a little touch-up on photo shop, and we should be good to go.
With all these hurtles crossed, that leaves just one problem: When we win the election, who will actually RUN the country? Let’s face it; having a Generic Human run for office was a trip and tons of fun. But we cannot have a faceless shadow person actually lead our great nation? (Though, again; that might be the BEST way to go.)
No, we will actually need a regular human, (who has a face) to run the country.
But WHO should it be?
How about all of them?
There are things I like about Ron Paul, but I do not like all of his ideals. Mitt Romney might be able to help with the economy. Newt could focus on the size of government. There is something I like about each one of these people. Yet, by themselves, they are “so-so.” However, together…
We will have the FIRST- “Collective President.”
Let’s face it; many on the Left claimed that it was Dick Cheney and BIG business that pulled President Bush’s strings. Also, there are those on the right who claim that George Soros and the SEIU are the puppet masters of President Obama.
We will be the FIRST to admit that one man, one woman, doesn’t fill the presidency. We will have the first “collective president.” (Plus, we would have the first female president, along with the first Mormon, second Black, and if we tossed in Jeb Bush; we would have the third “Bush family” president.
YES, the “collective” faceless Generic Republican is clearly the way to go in 2012.
There, with that problem solved; and it only took me 5 pain killers, now I can get back to weaving baskets and raising lamas. Did you know that by shaving one lama’s back, I can earn 3 bucks for the fur? That’s enough money to buy a loaf of bread. Plus, the Cheeseman just dropped off my free slab of government cheese.
“Toasted cheese sandwiches, anyone?”
Dam, life is good..!!
