Here are several stories that will tug at your heart and make your wallet much, much lighter.
Picture having a wonderful Thanksgiving. A beautiful day that the family can share.
At 2:45am on Friday, in he middle of the night, you decide to take a drive. (It happens to all of us.) However, your $100,000 dollar SUV slams into a fire hydrant and hits the neighbor’s tree.
Luckily, your wife was standing by (in the middle of the night, in the middle of the yard) with a golf club in her hand, and she smashes the windows out and sets you free.
(This kind of thing happens all the time. I have had many girlfriends who would go out in the yard, in the middle of the night, with a golf club, and stand there- waiting for “something” to happen.)
Unfortunately, now you have every media outlet in America camped out at your house. These “news” people want to know if you are cheating on your wife?
Tiger Woods needs your help.
The American media wants to PROVE that Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, Elin Nordegren:
and had an affair with this woman: Rachel Uchitel.
(Wow, looking at those two girls is almost like watching one of those Russ Meyer films. Tiger Woods, what’s up with that..??)
Tiger Woods needs your help.
Tiger doesn’t need your money. You do not have enough money to score a meeting with Mr. Woods, much less help him financially. However, Tiger Woods needs an alibi.
If you have a good alibi; like: “Tiger Woods wasn’t bedding down with that stunning- full figured- blond, Woods was at my house reading the Bible”, please send your alibi to:
“Save Tiger Woods foundation”
Remember, if Tiger Woods’ name is tarnish from this, the golfing world may never recover..!!
If you will not do it for Tiger Woods; do it for all the “little golfers” out there who could become jaded from golfing’s “evil side” and turn to another sport, like: hockey.
Please, won’t you help the “little golfers.”
Do it today.
Our next story that will tug at your heart and empty your purse is about Sen. John Kerry.
Senator Kerry, who is the head of President Obama’s “War Committee.” (Or whatever they call themselves?) Maybe it is called: “The man- made disaster committee”, I’m not really sure? (I know that they do not like the term “war.”)
Anyway; Sen. Kerry says that we missed our chance to capture (or kill) Osama bin Laden in December, 2001.
(Aaahh, and this news, because..??)
LINK: Kerry says we missed our chance.
Sen. Kerry says that if we had only sent MORE conventional troops in those early days of the war (oopps- “man- made disaster”), we would have captured bin Laden.
Here’s the problem:
John Kerry was a senator during 2001 and NOWHERE do you find Sen. Kerry asking for MORE troops in 2001.
In fact, Kerry; who was running for re-election in 2002, was calling for action against Saddam and Iraq, because Kerry felt that Saddam was a threat.
So, you see the problem.
Today, John Kerry claims MORE troops would have been better in Afghanistan in 2001. Yet Kerry was against adding MORE troops in Iraq with the “surge.” And Kerry is against adding more troops in Afghanistan today. Kerry favors smaller: “Special Op’s” forces in Afghanistan today. (Which is kind of what we did in 2001.)
Hence, John Kerry’s problem.
He needs someone to help him with public relations.
Someone like...
Maybe- Glenn Beck.
Picture John Kerry explaining his modern theory, compared to his 2001 beliefs, then Kerry looks into the camera, smiles, and says: “..Maybe it’s me, I’m riddled with A.D.D. I’m a rodeo clown..”
Then Kerry could walk up to a chalkboard that has- Bush, Osama bin Laden, and Donald Rumsfeld’s names in little circles, on the chalkboard. Kerry could begin drawing lines that connect each name, while explaining the “one world order” theory.
(It could work..!!)
Sen. John Kerry NEEDS your help.
If you will not do it for Senator John Kerry, do it for all the “little Senators” out there who might become jaded by all of this and quit the senate, to play professional hockey.
Please: send all the money that you have, plus the names of any Glenn Beck impersonators, to:
“Save John Kerry foundation.”
Our final story today, is of a VERY serious nature.
Not only is this problem hurting a beloved earth creature...
It is having devastating consequences FOR ME.
(And I take stuff that happens to me, very personal.)
Ever since the “hacked” e-mails leaked out about “tricked” numbers on the temperature graphs for Climate Scientist’s “global warming theory”, people have quit sending in money to STOP global warming.
As many of you know, 3 years ago I started the “Polar Bear Raft Company.”
Our goal: to save the polar bears by building rafts for the bears to live on when the Arctic ice melts.
How many polar bears did my company save in this three year period..??
It is very hard to tell, because: (one) polar bears are white, snow and ice is white, and they all freaking look the same. Unless you spray- paint numbers on the backs of the polar bears, you ain’t gonna know; and (two) I’m NOT traveling to the Arctic Circle to spray- paint numbers on the backs of polar bears. If I travel anywhere, it will be South, not North.
However, you can sure bet that the “Polar Bear Raft Company” saved a whole mess of polar bears.
LINK: More information on my Polar Bear Raft Company
Just because you learned that global warming might not be “man- made”, it doesn’t mean that you should STOP sending ME money..!!
Think of the poor polar bears.
Do the polar bears know that the climate scientists faked the global warming data..??
No..!!
Polar bears cannot read the news.
You MUST help the polar bears.
The most common donation is $200 bucks. However, if you are a cheap bastard who doesn’t really care for the polar bears, you can send less money. I guess that would be OK.
Remember, send cash. Polar bears are dying and we cannot wait for your check to clear the bank.
Send cash, and do it today. (Before the Bush “tax cuts for the rich” expire.)
Send all the cash you have, to:
The Polar Bear Raft Company
Send me money today, before polar bears become jaded, and leave the Arctic Circle to head to Canada- to play professional hockey.
Written by AR babonie for The Angry Republic
Thanks for reading
The Angry Republic
